The “Two-Bite” Rule: Teaching Gracious Table Manners

Monday, February 18, 2013 by Teresa Ambra

It happened again yesterday. The house was full of company, the table was set, the food was on the island buffet-style, and all gathered together to pray. No sooner had the “Amen” been said, than one of the kids piped up, “This looks awful,” and another said, “Mom, this is gross, I’m not eating any of this!”

Imagine how mortified and humiliated the hostess felt after spending an entire day—at least eight to ten hours—cooking, preparing, and making sure everything was just right—not to mention days of cleaning beforehand—only to be confronted by unappreciative, unruly, or ungracious guests.

…That hostess was me!

As Christian parents we have the responsibility to teach our children Christian virtues that will attract others to the gospel of Jesus Christ. When our children are orderly, well-mannered, and respectful to others—especially their elders, they display Christian qualities, “so that in every way they will make the teaching about God our Savior attractive” (Titus 2:10). One simple way we can build Christian character into our children is to teach them gracious table manners—whether they are eating meals in our own homes or elsewhere.

My friend, Jean, taught me this many years ago. We were working together as church secretaries when Jean told me about her “Two-Bite Rule.” No matter what was served for breakfast, lunch, or dinner, each child was required to eat at least two bites. Anytime they ate at someone else’s home, a restaurant, the school cafeteria or any place else, the rule still applied. In that way, Jean made sure her children were never rude, whiny, fussy, or ungracious whenever they ate meals.

Parents can start teaching their children gracious table manners early. Very few children will like everything put in front of them. However, that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t try everything. A “Two-Bite Rule” effectively gets your children to taste every food. They can eat more of what they like, and only two bites of any food they really dislike. When our oldest son was about 15 months old I noticed he only wanted to eat grilled cheese sandwiches and had stopped eating anything we served for dinner. It was shortly after Thanksgiving in 1983 when I made Turkey and Dumplings. He refused to eat it for dinner that night. So I wrapped up his bowl with plastic wrap and served it to him again for breakfast the next day. He refused to eat it. Same story at lunch. By dinner time he was famished and he ate the whole bowl. He never refused to eat anything after that and we enforced the “Two-Bite Rule.”

Teaching good table manners is an essential part of raising godly children. The “Two-Bite Rule” is not just for eating out. It needs to start at home. If all your children learn to eat is Macaroni and Cheese they will never learn to be good guests in someone else’s home. Teaching your children courteous and considerate manners at the table—whether at home or dining elsewhere—will not only make them welcome dinner guests but it will help them have principles to pass on to their own children later on.

Take the initiative and teach your children to eat for the honor and glory of God (1 Cor 10:31).

Here’s the recipe for my delicious Homemade Turkey and Dumplings. Today, it is one of my oldest son’s favorite dishes!

Teresa Ambra loves cooking and experimenting in the kitchen! Over the years she has tried thousands of recipes and now shares them on her blogwww.cantstayoutofthekitchen.com! She also loves to prepare meals for others no matter what the occasion. Teresa graduated with her Master of Divinity in Church History and Biblical Languages from Southwestern Seminary last May. Connect with her on Facebook,Twitter and her blog!

 

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Are Your Kids Ready to Launch?

Thursday, August 23, 2012 by Amanda Walker

“Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.” Psalm 127:3-5

My husband is an avid Robin Hood fan. He likes the character so much that one of his favorite movies is Disney’s version of Robin Hood. There is something inspirational and awe-inspiring about an individual who takes up for the poor, dejected, and outcast of society. For a man, Robin Hood characterizes someone who can take care of himself, his family, his countrymen, AND he is an amazing archer. Since becoming a mother I have often thought about the above verses. What does it mean for my children to be an “arrow” in my hand? What does it mean to “fill your quiver” with children? I think we can learn much about motherhood and parenting from Solomon’s analogy.

 

First, an Arrow Starts out as an Un-Whittled Piece of Wood.

In ancient times a hunter or warrior would take a lightweight piece of wood, such as bamboo or a reed, and use a sharp object or shaft straightener in order to make the shaft straight. (The shaft is the wooden part of the arrow.)[1] It was absolutely imperative that a warrior spent time sanding and smoothing the shaft of the arrow, or it would not shoot straight.

Being a mother of a two month old and a 16-month old, I can understand how a child comes into our lives as an “un-whittled piece of wood.”

I am still trying to get to know my youngest daughter, but I have not really begun to shape her behavior and character. Yes, I nurture her, love her, snuggle her, but I am not yet at the point of disciplining her. Now my 16-month old is a different story. My husband and I are at the very beginning of the discipline phase. Every day she learns one more unacceptable action. She has also begun to test us to determine if former actions are still impermissible. She has gotten quite smart in that she goes to touch a forbidden object all the while telling herself, “No no!” I can see her thinking; “If I remind Mommy that I know what I am doing is wrong, then maybe I won’t get in trouble.” (Side note: On more than one occasion I have turned my head to keep her from seeing my laughter.) At this point, my days are filled with carving and shaping this precious “arrow.” God has given me the incredible responsibility to help shape my children to be the women He has called them to be.

Second, the Arrow Must Contain Fletching (Stability).

The fletching is the feathers at the back of an arrow that provide stability and keep the arrow pointed in its proper direction.[2] Without the fletching, the arrow would be ineffective and would not be able to move forward in its proper direction.

Our children need for us to provide “fletching” for them, which is God’s Word.

A few weeks ago, Elizabeth Owens wrote a two-part article on how to teach your children to love and obey God’s Word (here and here). In these articles, she explained the importance of reading God’s Word to your children, even before they are born, and then helping them learn how to memorize scripture. We live in a world that is increasingly hostile to God’s truth and opposes God’s standard of morality and faithfulness. Our daughters are bombarded by the world’s standard of what it means to be feminine, and it is the opposite of God’s definition. The media targets pre-teens and encourages sexuality through glamorizing immodest dress and inappropriate relationships with boys. As a result, our girls are encouraged to grow up faster than what God intended. Moms, it is our responsibility to provide stability and direction for them in a world that would love to devour them. We must teach them, through God’s Word and our example, what it means to be a godly woman. We must daily point our children towards their Heavenly Father and help them cultivate a relationship with Him.

The Third Component is the Arrowhead.

An arrowhead is the main part of the arrow, and it is what provides the most damage to an object. One can shoot an arrow, but if it does not have a sharp end on it, then it is useless. As mothers, we must sharpen our children through training them in the ways of God. Too often I have heard parents accuse the church of not properly training their rebellious child to be obedient to proper authorities. But that is not the job of the church. Deuteronomy 6:4-9 is very specific in stating that it is the parents’ (specifically the father’s) responsibility to train and teach their children God’s laws.

Our children hold a greater capacity to be dangerous to the kingdom of darkness when we, as parents, model a heart that is completely committed to Christ and allow Him the opportunity to daily sharpen us through daily communing with Him.

God constantly reminds me that I cannot expect my daughters to be submissive to me when I am not modeling a submissive heart for them. God sharpens us as we seek to know Him, and we can help sharpen our children through teaching them the lessons God teaches us in private. Do you want a “dangerous” child? Then I encourage you to get in God’s Word and help your child learn to love God and His Word.

Lastly, an Arrow is Designed to be Released.

You can have the straightest, sharpest, and best designed arrow, but you will never know if it will hit the target until you release it. Right now I am at the beginning of my parenting journey, and I am already dreading that moment when I must release my daughters into the world. Will I, as a mother, do enough to produce children that have a heart centered on God? When they leave my home, will they be dangerous FOR God’s kingdom, or will they be bent towards rebellion? The questions could go on and on.

But, one thing I do know, when it is time to release these precious “arrows” into the world, I must be faithful to do it.

My husband is a college minister, and I am very active in discipling the girls in our ministry. Too often I see parents who are scared to release their children out of fear of what will happen to them. I have sat across from mothers who do not know how to let their children go in order to be what God has designed and called them to be in life. Or they have released their children only to discover that they have not flown “as straight” as these mothers had hoped. Releasing is the most difficult part of being an archer, but it must be done. An arrow, regardless of how perfectly put together it is, will never be effective until it is released from the archer’s hand.

The legendary Robin Hood was famous for his usage of a bow and arrow. He could come out of nowhere and hit a moving target from seemingly miles away. My prayer is that I would train and sharpen my children to know and love God and His Word so that when it comes time for me to release them, their hearts will be centered on God’s heart. Lord, may it be so!

Amanda Walker is in the Doctorate of Educational Ministries program at Southwestern. Her greatest joy is serving alongside her husband who is the University Minister at Cook Baptist Church in Ruston, Louisiana, and being the mother of two beautiful daughters. In her “free” time she enjoys a good chat over a cup of coffee. Connect with Amanda on Facebook!

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Teaching Your Kids to Love the Word, Pt. 2

Thursday, July 19, 2012 by Elizabeth Owens

Your word I have hidden in my heart, That I might not sin against You. -Psalm 119:11

Your word is a lamp to my feet And a light to my path. -Psalm 119:105

All Scripture is given by inspiration of God and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work. -II Timothy 3:16, 17

As a parent one of my desires for my children is that they grow up learning to love God’s word and live according to it. Because children learn by example, it is important that I live a life grounded in the Word before them, reading it, studying it, basing decisions on its teachings. But I also need to be active in introducing the Bible into their lives.  I can do this by reading it to them, and also by guiding them to memorize it, to hide its words in their hearts.

At what age should we begin working on scripture memory with children? I would suggest that this should start even before the child is born.  Thomas Verny, in his book The Secret Life of the Unborn Child, recounts the story of a conductor who realized that he already knew the cello parts of some of the musical works he was studying as he prepared for concerts.  When he talked about this with his mother, a cellist, they realized that these were the pieces that she had been practicing while she was pregnant with him.

Studies have shown that unborn babies can hear, react to their surroundings, and learn.  By about the sixth month of pregnancy a baby begins to recognize his parents’ voices and speech patterns.  It has even been demonstrated that his mother’s speech has an effect on his body movements and rhythms.  What better thing could he begin to learn than the cadences of Scripture, read to him by his parents!

After the child is born, keep reading Scripture to him! While he will not understand the words at first, he will begin to learn them before you will expect it. Repeat verses and passages that you want him to memorize.  You may be amazed at what he will be able to quote once he begins talking.  One has only to hear little children singing along with and reciting television commercials to know that they have the ability to memorize scripture!

We worked with our children on scripture memory from their earliest days.  In hindsight, I wish we had had a more structured plan.  Although we were intentional, we could have been more organized.  Here are three verses that we started with:

John 3:16, For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.

Ephesians 6:1, Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.

Proverbs 20:11, Even a child is known by his deeds, Whether what he does is pure and right.

Guide them to learn other verses about how to live for Jesus, such as Psalm 119:11, 105, and Philippians 4:8, and about God’s care for them, such as I Peter 5:7.   As you read through the Bible on your own, note verses that you think would be helpful for your children to know, perhaps one that deals with an issue specific to your child.

You may encounter some who think young children should not memorize verses because they say the children will not understand all they are quoting.  We were once criticized for encouraging our young children to learn Ephesians 6:1; we were told that our child was too young to know what “in the Lord” meant.  We had two answers for that.  The first was that that is one reason that God gave children parents, so they could explain things to them on their level and help them understand.  My husband gave the second answer, when he responded by saying, “I’m not sure that I understand fully what ‘in the Lord’ means, but that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t learn the verse.”

As a pre-schooler your child can begin learning facts about the Bible.  How many parts does the Bible have?  Two.  What are the names of the two parts? The Old Testament and the New Testament. What does the Old Testament tell us? It tells us how God created the world and people, and about how they were waiting for Jesus. What does the New Testament tell us?  It tells about Jesus, and the people who loved and obeyed him. These are very simple answers; they can be expanded on as the child grows and understands more.  Older pre-schoolers can learn to pronounce and list the books of the Bible.

How do you teach verses and Bible facts to children? Here Deuteronomy 6:6-7 can be your guide: when you sit, when you walk (or drive,) when you lie down, when you rise up.  Most pre-schoolers will not sit still for a long memorizing session.  But if you say a verse to them, or five Bible books, or one Bible fact, each time you sit down to eat, and then when you finish a meal, and before each nap and bedtime, and when you are riding in the car, and when it applies to something they are doing, you will be amazed at how quickly they will be able to quote it with you.

As your children become school-aged, you need to add scripture passages to your plan, such as Psalm 23, Psalm 100, the Model Prayer, and the Luke story of Jesus’s birth.  At this point your church may have a Scripture memory program such as Bible Drill, Awanas, or an in-house developed program, as our church currently does.  It can be helpful to plug into these programs, to have home and church working together to see that our children are memorizing God’s word.

If your children have passed the early stages of childhood and you have not worked on Scripture memory with them, it is never too late to start! Begin with John 3:16, Ephesians 6:1, verses in Romans about salvation, and work on knowing the books of the Bible.  If you have never learned some of these verses or Bible facts yourself, ask your child to help you learn as he learns, and work together to hide God’s Word in your hearts.

Elizabeth Owens is the wife of Waylan Owens, Dean of the School of Church and Family Ministries,  the mother of Blayne, Joshua, Grace, and Mary, and the mother-in-law of Cari.  She has served as a nurse, a pastor’s wife, and a professor’s wife, and is in her 18th year of homeschooling. She enjoys reading books and drinking tea – especially at the same time!

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Teaching Your Kids to Love the Word Pt. 1

Tuesday, July 17, 2012 by Elizabeth Owens

One of our goals for our children is that they grow up with a love for God’s Word, the Bible.  Second Timothy 3:16 and 17 tells us, “All Scripture is given by inspiration of God and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.” Since I want my children to grow up to be men and women of God who are complete and thoroughly equipped for every good work, they need to learn to receive their guidance for living and serving from the Bible.  (Let me say here that I am not discounting the work of the Holy Spirit in their lives and decisions, only that right now I am focusing on the Bible.) David expresses in Psalm 19 his love for and need of God’s word, and he only had the Torah, the first five books of the Bible.  How blessed we are to live in a time and place when we can easily obtain the entire sixty-six books of the Bible in our own language!  We can do no less than share it with our children, teaching them by our examples and our words to learn it, to love it, and to depend on it for direction as they grow and become responsible for their own decisions, no matter what their age. From the womb until the time they are young adults, there are things you, as a mother, can do to help your child know, and ultimately love, Scripture.

In the Womb

Did you know that children can hear and begin to learn before they are born? Secret Life of the Unborn Child by Thomas Verny shows that unborn babies respond to and are soothed by the music of Vivaldi and Mozart, but when Beethoven, Brahms or rock music are played they become very restless.  By about the sixth month of pregnancy a baby also begins to recognize his parents’ voices and speech patterns.  What better thing could he begin to learn than the cadences of Scripture, read carefully and thoughtfully to him by his parents!

As an Infant

Scripture reading should continue after the child is born.  While he will not understand the words, he can learn to associate the reading of God’s Word with being held in a quiet and comforting way. What do we read to an infant?  All of the Bible is “profitable,” but you might focus on Psalms and Proverbs, which have a rhythm and a pattern to them.  It is never too soon to begin to read to your children about heroes of the faith.  You can also begin to read verses and passages that you will lead them to memorize first when they can begin to speak, such as John 3:16, Ephesians 6:1, Proverbs 21:11, Romans 3:23 and 6:23, verses from the Psalms, and the Lord’s Prayer.

As a Toddler

As your child grows and becomes mobile, you will discover that it is hard to keep him in one place for a long reading.  That is all right.  Reading does not have to be long; it just has to be regular. Let your child know that you are reading from a very special book – the best Book in the world –  the Bible.  It is a letter from God to us.  Then pick a two or three verse passage to read to him in a happy, dramatic way, and identify a three or four words or direct quotes from that passage that you can repeat to/with him to emphasize what you have read.  You should continue reading verses and passages that you will want him to memorize.

As a Pre-Schooler

Pre-schoolers love stories, and by the time they are around two years old you should be reading them the stories in the Bible.  Will they understand every word?  No.  That is why God gave them parents.  You are there to explain the hard words and ideas on their level.  Read to them slowly, clearly, with a voice that rises and falls with the crises in the story.  Be dramatic!  It will hold their attention and help them to remember the details. Don’t be afraid to read what you might consider to be more difficult passages to your children.  We have found that God was able to use those in our children’s lives for growth, discussion, and learning.

At this point you may be thinking, “Read directly from the Bible to my pre-schooler?  Really? How about a Bible story book instead?”  That is a good question.  Bible story books have their usefulness as a tool to help our child learn the stories, however, they are no substitute for the Scriptures.  Isaiah 40:8 tells us, “The grass withers, the flower fades, But the word of our God stands forever.”  It doesn’t say that Bible story books, or Bible thoughts will stand forever; it says the word of our God.  You need to be reading God’s own words to your child.

After you have read him a story from the Bible, repeat it with him to help him learn it.  You might read it again, several times, throughout the day.  You might let him act it out.  Stuffed animals and some chairs pulled together make a great Noah’s ark.  A boat in a bathtub or a backyard wading pool can re-create the story of Jesus calming the sea.  You could draw a picture about the story.  You could eat some foods mentioned in the story.  Your child could call or skype his grandparents and tell the story to them. (Grandparents love this!) Make that story real for your child, and talk to him about how God protects, or provides, or leads, and about how the people in the story pray, or trust, or obey.

As a Elementary Schooler

By the time your child is reading at about a second or third grade level he should begin to read the Bible for himself.  If he wants to try to read his Bible sooner than that, by all means, let him; be available to help, and be thankful. Help your child develop a reading plan, and encourage him in it.  Talk about what he is reading.  Help him with the hard words and thoughts. When your child is comfortable reading his Bible himself, challenge him to read it completely.  There are plans available that set out daily readings to complete the Bible in a year, or two years, or three years.  Some of these plans progress through the Bible as it is printed, and some have a chronological approach.  Or your child could decide to read for a certain length of time each day.  Share these options with your child and help him choose a plan that will work for him.  You might both try following the same plan for a year.

Your child will value what you value when he is young. For that to stick as he grows up he needs to see that your love for God’s Word is real and that it helps you in your relationships and choices.  Let him see how God’s words guide you as you make decisions, receive comfort, and face challenges.  Show him that the Word can do the same for him.

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Raising Your Children Without Raising Your Voice

Tuesday, May 15, 2012 by Elizabeth Owens

…Wow!  Is that even possible? There is only one way that I know to do that.  It is to teach your children to have proper respect for the authorities God has placed over them, and then to teach them to obey the first time.

The first verse we ever had our children memorize was John 3:16.  The second was Ephesian 6:1, which states, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”  Children being raised to love God and His Word learn from this verse that obedience to parents is something God commands them to do. 

From that beginning they need to be taught that obedience means obeying immediately.  Our children need to hear about the people in the Bible who immediately obeyed God or those in authority over them.  Four biblical heroes come to mind. Noah was told to build an ark in Genesis 6.  There is no record of his questioning God or waiting for a “better” time; he began after God gave him the plans, and worked diligently to complete them. Abraham was commanded by God to do several things: leave his country (Gen. 12) and sacrifice his son (Gen. 22.)  In both instances the very next verses show that Abraham obeyed immediately.  Ruth and Miriam both obeyed other people.  Miriam obeyed her mother by watching her baby brother Moses (Ex. 2), and Ruth followed the counsel of Naomi in approaching Boaz (Ruth 3.)

The truth is that children can be trained to develop self-discipline to obey their parents immediately and cheerfully.  The harder truth is that this demands self-discipline and self-sacrifice on the part of the parents.  It demands knowing your child, establishing routines – especially with preschoolers – and thinking before you speak.

Too often we train our children to disobey. 

Let me give you an example.  Mom wants to run some errands.  She tells Johnny to put his toys away so they can go, and then she works to collect all she needs to take with them.  Johnny is having a great time with his toys and doesn’t want to quit playing – so he doesn’t.  In a few minutes Mom tells him again to put his toys away and keeps working on her own concerns.  After this is repeated two or three more times Mom’s voice begins to raise, and she finally yells at Johnny and tells him to obey now!  Johnny is very smart and he has learned his mother well.  He knows just the level of loudness that his Mother’s voice will get to before she finally intervenes with his behavior in a way that is unpleasant to him. (Some mothers prefer to count, but their equally smart children know just what fraction of “2” is Mom’s real disobedience limit.) He will usually “obey” just before she gets to that level.  In essence, his mother has trained him to disobey until she gets to that magic loudness level.  This is unpleasant for Mom, and not helpful to Johnny. So what is the alternative?  It begins with Mom, developing her own self-discipline and then re-training her son. 

Mom, when you tell your child to do something you need to be prepared to drop whatever you are doing to deliver consequences if you are not obeyed immediately. 

You also need to learn to assess your child’s situation to see that you are creating the best possible environment for him to be able to obey.  Let me explain. It is very hard for me to pull myself away from something I am enjoying without warning, so I have great empathy for the child who is suddenly told to pick up his toys in order to do something else.  He may do better if he is told that he will be running errands with Mom soon, that he has 10 more minutes to play, and that then Mom will ask him to put his toys away.  This lets him wind down his play a bit, and be ready to obey. We used to set a timer for 10 minutes before our oldest child had to put his toys away for bed, and we found this made a huge difference in his willingness to obey and his happiness in doing so.

Some children do not obey because they do not seem to “hear” when their parents give them directions.  If you have one of those children you need to be very careful to make sure that he has heard you – the first time.  This may involve getting him to look at you while you give him directions. It may also mean you ask him to repeat the directions back to you, so you know that he has heard and that he understands.

Children have a harder time obeying cheerfully when they are hungry or tired.  Just seeing that your children have meals and snacks at routine times, and that they get adequate rest during the day and at night, goes a long way toward helping them to obey without whining or fussing.  Knowing that these needs are being managed will keep Mom from excusing disobedience by saying that he can’t help it, poor thing, because he is tired or hungry.  The truth is, children need to obey even when they are tired and hungry, and if you have developed the habit of obedience in them already it will be easier for them to do so at those times.  They do not need to be taught that there are excuses for disobedience.

“But I’ve been doing this all wrong,” you cry.  “My children don’t do what I say until I yell at them.  How do I change this?” 

First you need to ask God to forgive you for training your children to disobey.  Then you need to ask Him for wisdom and self-discipline to change your behavior so you can help them to change theirs. 

 With younger children, this begins immediately.  With older children, you may need to sit down with them and confess that you have been allowing them to disobey, but the Bible says they need to obey, so you are going to do things differently, and are going to help them learn to obey God by obeying you.  This means obeying the first time.  Then you need to be prepared to drop everything to carry this through consistently.  The first couple days may be rough, as your child learns that you mean what you say.  It is hard work, but your child is worth it.

There is joy in obedience, in ours to the Father, and in your child’s to you.  Praise your child lavishly as he is learning to obey you the first time.  Brag on him to Dad, and to grandparents, about how well he is doing in learning to obey.  Play obeying games (a modified Simon Says) with lots of laughter and even silliness. 

The end results will be an obedient child who may find it easier to obey God as he gets older because he has learned to obey his parents in his youth. It will be a Mom who doesn’t have to yell.  And it will be a home where the loudest noise is laughter.

Elizabeth Owens is the wife of Waylan Owens, Dean of the School of Church and Family Ministries,  the mother of Blayne, Joshua, Grace, and Mary, and the mother-in-law of Cari.  She has served as a nurse, a pastor’s wife, and a professor’s wife, and is in her 18th year of homeschooling. She enjoys reading books and drinking tea – especially at the same time!

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