Raising Your Children Without Raising Your Voice

Tuesday, May 15, 2012 by Elizabeth Owens

…Wow!  Is that even possible? There is only one way that I know to do that.  It is to teach your children to have proper respect for the authorities God has placed over them, and then to teach them to obey the first time.

The first verse we ever had our children memorize was John 3:16.  The second was Ephesian 6:1, which states, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”  Children being raised to love God and His Word learn from this verse that obedience to parents is something God commands them to do. 

From that beginning they need to be taught that obedience means obeying immediately.  Our children need to hear about the people in the Bible who immediately obeyed God or those in authority over them.  Four biblical heroes come to mind. Noah was told to build an ark in Genesis 6.  There is no record of his questioning God or waiting for a “better” time; he began after God gave him the plans, and worked diligently to complete them. Abraham was commanded by God to do several things: leave his country (Gen. 12) and sacrifice his son (Gen. 22.)  In both instances the very next verses show that Abraham obeyed immediately.  Ruth and Miriam both obeyed other people.  Miriam obeyed her mother by watching her baby brother Moses (Ex. 2), and Ruth followed the counsel of Naomi in approaching Boaz (Ruth 3.)

The truth is that children can be trained to develop self-discipline to obey their parents immediately and cheerfully.  The harder truth is that this demands self-discipline and self-sacrifice on the part of the parents.  It demands knowing your child, establishing routines – especially with preschoolers – and thinking before you speak.

Too often we train our children to disobey. 

Let me give you an example.  Mom wants to run some errands.  She tells Johnny to put his toys away so they can go, and then she works to collect all she needs to take with them.  Johnny is having a great time with his toys and doesn’t want to quit playing – so he doesn’t.  In a few minutes Mom tells him again to put his toys away and keeps working on her own concerns.  After this is repeated two or three more times Mom’s voice begins to raise, and she finally yells at Johnny and tells him to obey now!  Johnny is very smart and he has learned his mother well.  He knows just the level of loudness that his Mother’s voice will get to before she finally intervenes with his behavior in a way that is unpleasant to him. (Some mothers prefer to count, but their equally smart children know just what fraction of “2” is Mom’s real disobedience limit.) He will usually “obey” just before she gets to that level.  In essence, his mother has trained him to disobey until she gets to that magic loudness level.  This is unpleasant for Mom, and not helpful to Johnny. So what is the alternative?  It begins with Mom, developing her own self-discipline and then re-training her son. 

Mom, when you tell your child to do something you need to be prepared to drop whatever you are doing to deliver consequences if you are not obeyed immediately. 

You also need to learn to assess your child’s situation to see that you are creating the best possible environment for him to be able to obey.  Let me explain. It is very hard for me to pull myself away from something I am enjoying without warning, so I have great empathy for the child who is suddenly told to pick up his toys in order to do something else.  He may do better if he is told that he will be running errands with Mom soon, that he has 10 more minutes to play, and that then Mom will ask him to put his toys away.  This lets him wind down his play a bit, and be ready to obey. We used to set a timer for 10 minutes before our oldest child had to put his toys away for bed, and we found this made a huge difference in his willingness to obey and his happiness in doing so.

Some children do not obey because they do not seem to “hear” when their parents give them directions.  If you have one of those children you need to be very careful to make sure that he has heard you – the first time.  This may involve getting him to look at you while you give him directions. It may also mean you ask him to repeat the directions back to you, so you know that he has heard and that he understands.

Children have a harder time obeying cheerfully when they are hungry or tired.  Just seeing that your children have meals and snacks at routine times, and that they get adequate rest during the day and at night, goes a long way toward helping them to obey without whining or fussing.  Knowing that these needs are being managed will keep Mom from excusing disobedience by saying that he can’t help it, poor thing, because he is tired or hungry.  The truth is, children need to obey even when they are tired and hungry, and if you have developed the habit of obedience in them already it will be easier for them to do so at those times.  They do not need to be taught that there are excuses for disobedience.

“But I’ve been doing this all wrong,” you cry.  “My children don’t do what I say until I yell at them.  How do I change this?” 

First you need to ask God to forgive you for training your children to disobey.  Then you need to ask Him for wisdom and self-discipline to change your behavior so you can help them to change theirs. 

 With younger children, this begins immediately.  With older children, you may need to sit down with them and confess that you have been allowing them to disobey, but the Bible says they need to obey, so you are going to do things differently, and are going to help them learn to obey God by obeying you.  This means obeying the first time.  Then you need to be prepared to drop everything to carry this through consistently.  The first couple days may be rough, as your child learns that you mean what you say.  It is hard work, but your child is worth it.

There is joy in obedience, in ours to the Father, and in your child’s to you.  Praise your child lavishly as he is learning to obey you the first time.  Brag on him to Dad, and to grandparents, about how well he is doing in learning to obey.  Play obeying games (a modified Simon Says) with lots of laughter and even silliness. 

The end results will be an obedient child who may find it easier to obey God as he gets older because he has learned to obey his parents in his youth. It will be a Mom who doesn’t have to yell.  And it will be a home where the loudest noise is laughter.

Elizabeth Owens is the wife of Waylan Owens, Dean of the School of Church and Family Ministries,  the mother of Blayne, Joshua, Grace, and Mary, and the mother-in-law of Cari.  She has served as a nurse, a pastor’s wife, and a professor’s wife, and is in her 18th year of homeschooling. She enjoys reading books and drinking tea – especially at the same time!

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Daughters, Be Good to Your Mothers

Thursday, May 10, 2012 by Melissa Meredith

To say that I’m looking forward to this weekend would be an understatement.  I’m ecstatic. This Saturday the Meredith girls will be reunited.  Now that my sister and I have left the nest and live in separate states, reunions like these with mom are rare and cherished, and obviously make a second piece of cheesecake at lunch mandatory.  Does anyone know what I’m talking about?

So this Saturday we will don our most girly ensembles and catch up over chicken salad sandwiches and generous slices of chocolate cheesecake at our favorite restaurant.  My sweet little sister will be there with her new baby bump and have us in tears about all the new wonders of being a mommy-to-be.  I’ll share my most recent embarrassing story and have everyone laughing until we choke on our food.  And my precious momma will sit and listen with a smile on her face, and looking from daughter to daughter, whisper with tears in her eyes one of her most famous lines, “It’s good to have my girls home.”

While we are in different seasons of life, my sister and I are learning what it means to honor our mother as young adults.  Our relationship with our mother looks different than what it did in our growing-up years—as it should.  And if I may be honest, my relationship with my mother has not all been sugar and spice and everything nice.  And if I may confess, it most assuredly rests most often on the stubbornness of my own heart.  But my sister and I have both found that learning to honor our mother as young adults is important.  Why?

Finding a way to love and connect with your mother as an adult begins by honoring her.

But perhaps more importantly than that, honoring your mother brings glory to our great God!  Are you looking to find a way to love and connect with your mother, too?  Then, read on, sister friend.

Yes, we are commanded by Scripture to honor our mothers.  Whether your mother has passed away or is alive and well, or whether you are close to your mother or there is a strain in your relationship with her, Scripture calls us as daughters to honor our mothers.   Just look at some of the Scripture passages that speak on the subject:

• Exodus 20:12: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.
• Exodus 21:17: “He who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death.”
• Leviticus 19:3: “Every one of you shall reverence his mother and his father…I am the LORD your God.”
• Proverbs 1:8: “…do not forsake your mother’s teaching.”
• Proverbs 23:22: “…Do not despise your mother when she is old.”
• Matthew 15:4: “For God said, ‘Honor your father and mother,’ and, ‘He who speaks evil of father or mother is to be put to death.’”

Scripture is clear that we should honor our mothers. So what exactly does “honor” your mother mean?  Honor is simply an inward esteem or respect that is outwardly expressed in all occasions.  Honoring our mothers begins in our hearts and thoughts and overflows into our actions.

Honoring means that we love, cherish, respect, and show respect to the woman God has chosen to be our mother.  Such an attitude overflows into our actions as we desire to obey God in this commandment.

Why would God want us to honor our mothers?  First, honoring our mothers brings glory to our great God.  As we honor our mothers in obedience to God’s commands in Scripture, He is glorified.  Amen!  But there is a second reason.  Honoring our mothers is a living testimony to God’s work in our lives.  You might be thinking, “Melissa, I see that honoring my mother is commanded by Scripture, but you just don’t know my mom!”  Please hear me and know that what I am about to say is spoken in love and with deep sincerity as your sister in Christ.  Beloved, honoring your mother doesn’t mean you allow abuse or do not confront difficulty.  Honoring your mother simply means giving up trying to change her and start loving her as the woman she was created to be.  For many, this will be a hard and challenging process.  But you have been made a promise, sweet sister, that you are not alone.  God goes before you, strengthening you for the task, burdening your heart with obedience, all the while reminding you of His abiding sovereignty.

I’m sure if we are honest with one another, at some point in our relationship with our mothers we have been hurt.  There have been imperfect connections that have made us struggle to love and cherish and honor her.  There may have been unmet needs, unfulfilled expectations, or unrealized dreams.  Does this mean we can just accept the current state of our relationships with our mothers and give up trying?  No, it does not.  While it may seem like a daunting task, building and keeping a rewarding and God-honoring-relationship with your mother takes a willing and obedient heart and time spent on your knees in prayer before the Lord.  I stand before you, sweet sisters, and say you can, with the Lord’s help, experience a sweet, sweet connection with your mother.  Won’t you try?  It’s worth it.  And may I offer comfort to those whose mothers have passed away or for those of you whose mothers have no desire for connection?

Honoring your mother is more about the attitude of your heart than hers.

So practically speaking how do we honor our mothers?  Let’s turn to Scripture for the answer.

1. Obedience while under her authority (Eph 6:1; Col 3:20)
2. Willing to receive her training with humility (Titus 2:4-5)
3. Dependence upon her wisdom and godly counsel (Prov 6:20-23).
4. Encouragement and thankfulness for her godly example (Prov 31:28-31)
5. Thankfulness for her sacrifice (Prov 31:28-31)
6. Dedication to serving her and meeting her practical needs (I Tim 5:4).
7. Pursuit of a God-honoring lifestyle that brings her honor and joy (Prov 10:1; 15:20; 23:24-25)

Still struggling to apply God’s instruction of honoring our mothers?  May these questions provide a heart check for you and offer conversation starters between you and your mother.

*What do you want and expect from your mother-daughter relationship?

*Have you ever thought to ask God to change your perspective, to help you see your mother through His eyes?

*Are boundaries a problem for you?  If so, prayerfully approach your mother.

*Love and honor go hand in hand.  Prayerfully read over I Corinthians 13:4-8.

Sweet sisters, God has commanded that we honor our mothers. Won’t you begin praying today and ask God how you can apply his instruction to your relationship with your mother? Finding ways to honor and build a sweet, lasting bond with your mother begins with honoring her.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some packing to do; I have a reunion I’m looking forward to!

Melissa Meredith is pursuing a Master of Divinity in women’s studies at Southwestern Seminary. She loves decorating, dark chocolate gelato, and is passionate about teaching women God’s sacred design for set-apart femininity.Connect with Melissa on Facebook!

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Dear Dottie: My Husband Won’t Let Me Go to Church

Monday, April 2, 2012 by Dorothy Kelley Patterson

Dear Dottie,

I came to Christ a little over a year ago. Since then, I found a strong church family, was baptized, and started attending the worship service along with a women’s Bible study. My husband, who is not a believer, has been uninterested in hearing much about my spiritual life but still understanding of my attending church – until recently. Lately, he has become more and more irritated by my involvement with our women’s ministry and wants me to spend all of the weekends and evenings at home with him.  I know 1 Peter 3:1-7 says not to nag your husband about my faith, but must I stop going to church if it’s causing a strain on our marriage? Thank you for your help!

Sincerely,

Conflicted

 

Dear Conflicted:

How wonderful that you have embraced the Lord Jesus as your Savior, for that means He is preparing the way before you, walking alongside you on this difficult path, and standing as your rear guard to use your testimony to accomplish kingdom purposes! You can also rejoice to know that indeed the Lord has in His Word the principles needed for the most difficult decisions and to offer comfort in the suffering accompany the Christian life (1 Pet 4:13-16). You as a believer have the same privilege given to the Lord Jesus Himself, i.e., to suffer in order to bring healing to another. Unjust suffering endured with patience and purpose is precious to God the Father because you thus drink the cup of His suffering.

Even a gentle and quiet spirit, which is the most effective tool a wife has to draw her husband to Christ, will not prohibit suffering and difficulty (Matt 5:44-45).

Yet there is a spiritual strength that comes from within so that the God-control accompanying a gentle and quiet spirit goes beyond self-control for your response to challenges (1 Pet 3:6). A believing wife dare not run from the adversity in her life; rather, as my husband says, they must become her university.

Is there a short general answer?

A believing wife is the best tool for bringing her husband to saving faith according to 1 Peter 3. God can change the thinking of a believing wife so that the frustration and hurt she feels in her relationship to her husband is covered with the Father’s tender love. Peter suggests that a godly wife “be submissive to [her] own husband . . . even if [he does] not obey the word” (1 Pet 3:1). The focus becomes a believing wife’s commitment to the Lord, and the question is actually whether or not she is willing to trust God’s providence as being sufficient in the midst of this trial.

Is there an example of a godly wife married to an unbelieving husband in the Bible:

Abigail’s husband Nabal was not only ungodly but also a fool. When the lives of her husband and household were endangered, she realized that her first responsibility was to God.  She made a bold personal appeal to David, the future king, in order to save lives (1 Sam 25:23-35). She returned home and told her husband what she had done in a respectful way (1 Sam 25:39-42). Abigail’s boldness was tempered with her servant’s heart as well as restraint and discretion, which gave her great influence over David as she made the best out of a difficult situation (1 Sam 25:35).

When the wife of an unbelieving husband submits to his authority even in her personal activities, she can rest in knowing that this submission is not merely to her husband but to God Himself (1 Pet 3:1-2). Scripture does not call for wives to obey their husbands blindly regardless of what they are asked to do. Submission to a husband is never the same as or equal to submission to Christ. Nevertheless, a wife’s submission to her husband is a command from the Lord.

What exactly does submission entail?

• It is resting, leaning, trusting, even abandoning yourself to another.
• It is an attitude of your will that bends willingly, looking for ways to submit.
• It is not based on what kind of husband you have but on what kind of God you serve.
• It is not a fringe benefit for some elect husbands but a responsibility for all godly wives.

How does submission work?

• A husband cannot require or demand this submission; a wife chooses to stand under the authority of her own husband because it is a divine mandate.
• Biblical submission demands putting all of yourself—energies, wisdom, feelings—at the disposal of your husband. It is not submitting only to reasonable requests. To choose when to submit is not submission. A wife is not forbidden to have personal opinions; she is not coerced into changing her personal convictions. Yet only when her submission blatantly violates God’s moral law does a wife find a biblical reason for refusal (Acts 5:29).
• To submit in God’s way is to make an intelligent choice to line up under God-assigned authority, learning submission to the Lord in His classroom.
• Gaining God-control in your life means losing self-control! Every wife does have “rights” by virtue of her worth as being created in the image of God. Yes she can choose to give up “rights” for Christ’s sake.

Is there a modern example?

Let’s suppose that when your husband becomes irritated and demands that you stay with him through the weekend and in the evenings, you say gently and humbly, “OK, I will defer to your wishes. You know how much I love going to the Lord’s house. Hearing His Word and being with believers actually makes me a better wife to you. But I know that Christ is in my heart, and I can gain my spiritual nurture at other times. Christ has set forth the pattern that above all I am to devote myself to meeting your needs as my most important responsibility.” He may respond in a gruff way. However, he will be shocked, and he may feel a burden of guilt himself.

He will know that he has hurt you deeply, but he will also know that you love him more than the church and the people you have brought into your circle of friends there.

Immediately the wall will begin to come down because he can no longer blame the church or the pastor or any of your church friends for denying him the fellowship of his wife! A lost man is looking for somewhere to put the blame. Until you remove as much of that as possible, you cannot deliver your most effective witness. Then you focus on meeting his needs, especially on the weekends and in the evenings. After a few weeks, you gently extend an invitation to him to go with you to church—perhaps a special program of some kind or you ask if he would mind your turning on some program that you might watch together in which the gospel is preached or you try playing some Christian music softly in the home or you ask your husband if he would mind your listening to a sermon on radio or CD. If he reacts with hostility, you pull back and wait.

Meantime throughout this very challenging situation in which you are spiritually deprived of what means so much to you, redouble your prayer and devotional time; read your Bible with passion; pray for your husband with all the compassion of your heart. Seek a Bible Study that meets while your husband is at work; nurture your relationships with Christian friends when it does not conflict with time you can spend with your husband.

Show no resentment or bitterness but pour yourself into meeting your husband’s needs and even showering him with added lovingkindness as if his life depended on it BECAUSE it may.

You may be the tool the Lord has chosen to use in drawing your husband to Christ! When a soul hangs in the balance, extraordinary sacrifices, even suffering and pain, may be part of the ultimate solution.

A word from my heart specifically to you . . .

Peter does not say that you are to become a flaming evangelist, preaching and witnessing, arguing and begging your husband to join you in your new faith. Rather, he simply says: Be a good wife. Avoid appearing self-righteous; do not focus on what pleases and edifies you most (i.e., the fellowship with God’s people); work toward developing a perfect love for your unbelieving husband—a love that covers a multitude of sins and hurt, a consuming love that on the human level will draw him to Christ. God’s promise is that even the hardest heart can be won by the conduct or lifestyle of a godly wife. When your husband refuses to read the Bible or listen to the preacher or intermingle with God’s people, you alone can bear the effective testimony. God is always fair and just—it is part of His character, Who He is! You must make your decision based on your trust in God’s providence rather than on the circumstances in which you are living and your own expectations of what good life you expect and desire. The rewards for obedience in this challenging task of submission make this journey worth the effort. God will honor your faithfulness.

I remain yours in the journey,

Dottie

Dorothy Kelley Patterson serves as the First Lady and Professor of Theology in Women’s Studies at Southwestern Seminary. She has authored numerous books and articles including, Where’s Mom: The High Calling of Wives and Mothers, and A Woman Seeking God: Discover God in the Places of Your Life.  One of Mrs. Patterson’s greatest joys is hospitality! She loves to cook and is known for her family’s famous “Kelley biscuits.”

*”Dear Dottie” is a featured, monthly column from Dorothy Kelley Patterson (aka – Dottie!). If you have a question for Dottie, please email us at biblicalwoman@swbts.edu!

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It Depends on the User

Thursday, January 5, 2012 by Terri Stovall

Social networking – few things have so defined and shaped our culture. From Facebook to Twitter to Pinterest, it seems like everyone who is anyone has one, if not multiple, ways to stay connected. Whether it is looking at pictures of family celebrations, grandparents keeping up with grandchildren, businesses and ministries promoting themselves or reminiscing about old friends and flames, social media is today’s yellow pages, white pages, yearbook, family album and party line – all rolled up in one.

Social media sites are neither inherently good nor bad. It all depends on the user.

Through them the gospel has been proclaimed, many a woman has been mentored and relationships have been strengthened. Conversely, social media sites offer a method of connection that tickles our desire for instant gratification and provides a glimpse into the lives of others, often leading to damaging and destructive consequences.

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