Dear Dottie: What’s All This About “Head Coverings?!?”

Monday, May 7, 2012 by Dorothy Kelley Patterson

Dear Dottie,

I’ve noticed that you wear hats during worship services and it sparked my curiosity. Do you wear them because of 1 Corinthians 11’s command that women should cover their heads in church? I must confess I’ve always been a little confused about that passage. Does the Bible command that we should wear head coverings in church? Does it mean that my hair must be a certain length? I know this must mean something for me as a woman today or God wouldn’t have said it – but what? Thank you for your help!

Sincerely,

Curious

 

Dear Curious,

Yes, indeed I do love my hats! I began wearing hats in my teen years on special occasions and then became more serious during my college years. I was really bitten with the bug during our years in Fayetteville, Arkansas, when one of our parishioners introduced me to a seamstress who had been a milliner in her earlier years. When I had an ensemble made in the spring and fall, she always designed a matching hat, and I loved the finished look that this ultimate accessory provided. As the years went by and we moved to Dallas, my hat collection grew rapidly as many ladies in First Baptist Church stopped wearing their hats. Rather than casually discard them, they would pass them along to me. I would purchase a dress to go with the spectacular hat! Only then, during the almost two decades we were in Dallas, did I begin to realize that my love for hats might have theological implications.

In a careful study of 1 Corinthians 11,  the principle of a husband’s headship in the home is absolutely clear and in harmony with other passages in both the Old and New Testaments, though the symbol of that authority—and thus its application—can vary over the generations. Perhaps most basic to this application is the Genesis account of the creation order, which presents male and female as both created in the image of God but with distinct assignments and roles. This begins with men who dress and behave as men and women who dress and behave as women. Both a man and a woman willingly accept respectively their appropriate roles and responsibilities and embrace willingly their own respective purposes for glorifying God and serving Him. Though our modern culture takes pride in reversing roles and blurring lines given from the divine order, Scripture affirms the danger in such behavior.

For Paul, the covered head was the symbol of a wife’s submission to her own husband—much as a wedding ring in the modern era identifies a woman as married. To reject this public acknowledgement of the husband’s headship and wife’s submission to that headship was a disgrace that could be equal to a woman’s having a shorn head as in the first century would have indicated shame and dishonor.

There is no prejudice toward women but rather an affirmation of the priority of the man as being created first and an application of the authority assigned to him in the creation order.

Now, for how this passage affects me and my hats, let me go back to my teen years. I have always loved hats. I believe that they are the ultimate accessory in setting off an outfit. Even through my young adult years, I always took my dress or suit with me to shop for shoes, purse, and hat. I wanted all to coordinate into the perfect ensemble. As the years rolled along, hats became a trademark—a branding for me. For my husband, children, and friends, my hat made me easy to find in a crowded auditorium. My daughter firmly believes that my hats hide a multitude of sins—she knows that I am not skilled in doing hair!. That is the practical side of the coin. However, I also believe that the Lord may gently guide us even in our preferences to accomplish his purposes; and my love for hats may be just such an example. In wearing hats—and doing so happily—perhaps I send yet another testimony of my joy in marriage and my commitment to stand under the authority of my husband. Despite my academic training, possibly even my giftedness or opportunity, I choose to show in every way that I gladly embrace the role that the Lord has given to me as a wife and mother—and a woman in the church, and I want to bear that testimony publicly.

Is my own personal testimony a mandate for every woman? Most certainly not! As I mentioned earlier, the principle is unchanging and not to be adjusted or ignored for any reason, but the application is just that. Every woman must determine how she is going to apply the principle in her own life so that the Lord is glorified and her own testimony enhanced!

Devotedly,

Dottie

Dorothy Kelley Patterson serves as the First Lady and Professor of Theology in Women’s Studies at Southwestern Seminary. She has authored numerous books and articles including, Where’s Mom: The High Calling of Wives and Mothers, and A Woman Seeking God: Discover God in the Places of Your Life.  One of Mrs. Patterson’s greatest joys is hospitality! She loves to cook and is known for her family’s famous “Kelley biscuits.”

*”Dear Dottie” is a featured, monthly column from Dorothy Kelley Patterson (aka – Dottie!). If you have a question for Dottie, please email us at biblicalwoman@swbts.edu!

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Dear Dottie: My Husband Won’t Let Me Go to Church

Monday, April 2, 2012 by Dorothy Kelley Patterson

Dear Dottie,

I came to Christ a little over a year ago. Since then, I found a strong church family, was baptized, and started attending the worship service along with a women’s Bible study. My husband, who is not a believer, has been uninterested in hearing much about my spiritual life but still understanding of my attending church – until recently. Lately, he has become more and more irritated by my involvement with our women’s ministry and wants me to spend all of the weekends and evenings at home with him.  I know 1 Peter 3:1-7 says not to nag your husband about my faith, but must I stop going to church if it’s causing a strain on our marriage? Thank you for your help!

Sincerely,

Conflicted

 

Dear Conflicted:

How wonderful that you have embraced the Lord Jesus as your Savior, for that means He is preparing the way before you, walking alongside you on this difficult path, and standing as your rear guard to use your testimony to accomplish kingdom purposes! You can also rejoice to know that indeed the Lord has in His Word the principles needed for the most difficult decisions and to offer comfort in the suffering accompany the Christian life (1 Pet 4:13-16). You as a believer have the same privilege given to the Lord Jesus Himself, i.e., to suffer in order to bring healing to another. Unjust suffering endured with patience and purpose is precious to God the Father because you thus drink the cup of His suffering.

Even a gentle and quiet spirit, which is the most effective tool a wife has to draw her husband to Christ, will not prohibit suffering and difficulty (Matt 5:44-45).

Yet there is a spiritual strength that comes from within so that the God-control accompanying a gentle and quiet spirit goes beyond self-control for your response to challenges (1 Pet 3:6). A believing wife dare not run from the adversity in her life; rather, as my husband says, they must become her university.

Is there a short general answer?

A believing wife is the best tool for bringing her husband to saving faith according to 1 Peter 3. God can change the thinking of a believing wife so that the frustration and hurt she feels in her relationship to her husband is covered with the Father’s tender love. Peter suggests that a godly wife “be submissive to [her] own husband . . . even if [he does] not obey the word” (1 Pet 3:1). The focus becomes a believing wife’s commitment to the Lord, and the question is actually whether or not she is willing to trust God’s providence as being sufficient in the midst of this trial.

Is there an example of a godly wife married to an unbelieving husband in the Bible:

Abigail’s husband Nabal was not only ungodly but also a fool. When the lives of her husband and household were endangered, she realized that her first responsibility was to God.  She made a bold personal appeal to David, the future king, in order to save lives (1 Sam 25:23-35). She returned home and told her husband what she had done in a respectful way (1 Sam 25:39-42). Abigail’s boldness was tempered with her servant’s heart as well as restraint and discretion, which gave her great influence over David as she made the best out of a difficult situation (1 Sam 25:35).

When the wife of an unbelieving husband submits to his authority even in her personal activities, she can rest in knowing that this submission is not merely to her husband but to God Himself (1 Pet 3:1-2). Scripture does not call for wives to obey their husbands blindly regardless of what they are asked to do. Submission to a husband is never the same as or equal to submission to Christ. Nevertheless, a wife’s submission to her husband is a command from the Lord.

What exactly does submission entail?

• It is resting, leaning, trusting, even abandoning yourself to another.
• It is an attitude of your will that bends willingly, looking for ways to submit.
• It is not based on what kind of husband you have but on what kind of God you serve.
• It is not a fringe benefit for some elect husbands but a responsibility for all godly wives.

How does submission work?

• A husband cannot require or demand this submission; a wife chooses to stand under the authority of her own husband because it is a divine mandate.
• Biblical submission demands putting all of yourself—energies, wisdom, feelings—at the disposal of your husband. It is not submitting only to reasonable requests. To choose when to submit is not submission. A wife is not forbidden to have personal opinions; she is not coerced into changing her personal convictions. Yet only when her submission blatantly violates God’s moral law does a wife find a biblical reason for refusal (Acts 5:29).
• To submit in God’s way is to make an intelligent choice to line up under God-assigned authority, learning submission to the Lord in His classroom.
• Gaining God-control in your life means losing self-control! Every wife does have “rights” by virtue of her worth as being created in the image of God. Yes she can choose to give up “rights” for Christ’s sake.

Is there a modern example?

Let’s suppose that when your husband becomes irritated and demands that you stay with him through the weekend and in the evenings, you say gently and humbly, “OK, I will defer to your wishes. You know how much I love going to the Lord’s house. Hearing His Word and being with believers actually makes me a better wife to you. But I know that Christ is in my heart, and I can gain my spiritual nurture at other times. Christ has set forth the pattern that above all I am to devote myself to meeting your needs as my most important responsibility.” He may respond in a gruff way. However, he will be shocked, and he may feel a burden of guilt himself.

He will know that he has hurt you deeply, but he will also know that you love him more than the church and the people you have brought into your circle of friends there.

Immediately the wall will begin to come down because he can no longer blame the church or the pastor or any of your church friends for denying him the fellowship of his wife! A lost man is looking for somewhere to put the blame. Until you remove as much of that as possible, you cannot deliver your most effective witness. Then you focus on meeting his needs, especially on the weekends and in the evenings. After a few weeks, you gently extend an invitation to him to go with you to church—perhaps a special program of some kind or you ask if he would mind your turning on some program that you might watch together in which the gospel is preached or you try playing some Christian music softly in the home or you ask your husband if he would mind your listening to a sermon on radio or CD. If he reacts with hostility, you pull back and wait.

Meantime throughout this very challenging situation in which you are spiritually deprived of what means so much to you, redouble your prayer and devotional time; read your Bible with passion; pray for your husband with all the compassion of your heart. Seek a Bible Study that meets while your husband is at work; nurture your relationships with Christian friends when it does not conflict with time you can spend with your husband.

Show no resentment or bitterness but pour yourself into meeting your husband’s needs and even showering him with added lovingkindness as if his life depended on it BECAUSE it may.

You may be the tool the Lord has chosen to use in drawing your husband to Christ! When a soul hangs in the balance, extraordinary sacrifices, even suffering and pain, may be part of the ultimate solution.

A word from my heart specifically to you . . .

Peter does not say that you are to become a flaming evangelist, preaching and witnessing, arguing and begging your husband to join you in your new faith. Rather, he simply says: Be a good wife. Avoid appearing self-righteous; do not focus on what pleases and edifies you most (i.e., the fellowship with God’s people); work toward developing a perfect love for your unbelieving husband—a love that covers a multitude of sins and hurt, a consuming love that on the human level will draw him to Christ. God’s promise is that even the hardest heart can be won by the conduct or lifestyle of a godly wife. When your husband refuses to read the Bible or listen to the preacher or intermingle with God’s people, you alone can bear the effective testimony. God is always fair and just—it is part of His character, Who He is! You must make your decision based on your trust in God’s providence rather than on the circumstances in which you are living and your own expectations of what good life you expect and desire. The rewards for obedience in this challenging task of submission make this journey worth the effort. God will honor your faithfulness.

I remain yours in the journey,

Dottie

Dorothy Kelley Patterson serves as the First Lady and Professor of Theology in Women’s Studies at Southwestern Seminary. She has authored numerous books and articles including, Where’s Mom: The High Calling of Wives and Mothers, and A Woman Seeking God: Discover God in the Places of Your Life.  One of Mrs. Patterson’s greatest joys is hospitality! She loves to cook and is known for her family’s famous “Kelley biscuits.”

*”Dear Dottie” is a featured, monthly column from Dorothy Kelley Patterson (aka – Dottie!). If you have a question for Dottie, please email us at biblicalwoman@swbts.edu!

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Dear Dottie, Is the OT Unfair to Women?

Monday, March 5, 2012 by Dorothy Kelley Patterson

Dear Dottie,

This year my goal is to read the Bible from beginning to end for the very first time. As I’ve plodded through Leviticus and Numbers I found myself confused (and I must confess, a little offended) by some of the embarrassing laws women were subjected to–being “unclean” during their monthly periods, a public trial if they were accused of adultery, and not even being allowed to make a vow to the Lord if their father or husband didn’t approve. It sounds like the kind of women’s oppression that I’ve heard others accuse the Bible of being.

How do I read the Old Testament laws for women and still believe that God values me as much as He values men? How can I believe that He loves us equally when even His own laws sound so discriminating? Since all of the Bible is inspired by God, what do laws like these tell us about who He is to women today? Thank you for your help.

 

Sincerely,

Confused

Dear Confused:

You are on the right journey to answer your own question with the goal of reading through the Bible! With all of the divinely mandated instructions—admonitions and warnings—there is always purpose. That ultimate purpose for God’s people is to make them holy or set apart unto Him. Saturating yourself with God’s Word will move you toward this goal. Believers in this generation can understand that better by saying that they want to be more like Jesus! I would never suggest that life is easy, much less perfect, for a woman today or in ancient times. However, I think that built into God’s plan there are some amazing protections that show His special care for women. Any injustice or oppressiveness toward women comes from living in a sin-bent world and from the sinful nature of its inhabitants, and yet we are blessed by seeing the goodness of God in the least likely places.

Let me try to answer several specific questions you raise:

• Concerning the “unclean” status of a woman during her menstruation period (see Lev 15:19-30), remember that life is in the blood (Lev 17:11). The loss of blood during menstruation required purification to acknowledge the sanctity of life, but there is no suggestion that the issue involved in the woman’s isolation here is her sinfulness. Whatever she touched and whoever touched what she touched was unclean until evening (Lev 15:20-23). What many miss is that this isolation provided the woman a needed break from housework, caring for children, and even marital duties. Sexual intercourse was considered unclean during this time. Any woman who has experienced severe cramping and even mood swings during this monthly time would understand that this interruption could be meant for her good. The rabbis suggest that these laws actually can strengthen marriage by adding a rhythm and sense of spiritual responsibility to sexual intimacy so that a period of separation adds to the mystery, romance, and magic of the marital relationship. Laws like these made Israel distinct from the surrounding pagan nations and even worked as a deterrent to intermarriage with other nations who would not want to honor these mandates. These laws have no function for New Testament believers in the sense that distinguishing the Israelites from their pagan neighbors is no longer part of God’s program. Jesus did not consider Himself defiled when he encountered the woman with an issue of blood (Mt 9:20-22).
• Concerning the “trial by ordeal” passage (Num 5:11-31), the wife is suspected by her husband of committing adultery, and she can be brought before judges by her husband. Many interpreters have misconstrued the passage to make both the Israelites and God appear unfair and chauvinistic. However, again you must see that the event involves the holiness or set-apartness and purity expected of God’s people. Though no reciprocal provision is suggested for a wife to bring charges against her husband, an unjustly accused innocent woman had God’s protection. Once a wife had been proven innocent, no further suspicion could rest upon her so that a wife whose husband might be emotionally unstable then had legal recourse for her public vindication. The potion itself was never intended to determine guilt. Rather the ritual’s efficacy rested upon psychological suggestion and memory as the wife stood before God. The rabbis point out that through this ritual, the name of God was dissolved in the waters. No Jew dared erase God’s name, which is one reason many Jews never write out the name of God. This situation, however, is one exception in which God literally allowed His name to be dissolved in order to rebuild the trust between husband and wife.
• In the matter of a woman and personal vows, Numbers 30 covers four categories of women: unmarried and living with their fathers (vv. 3-5), unmarried when they made a vow but married before the vow was fulfilled (vv. 6-8), widows or divorced women (v. 9), married women (vv. 10-15). For the husband to veto his wife’s vow or a father his daughter’s vow, the respective veto had to be spoken when the husband or father first heard the vow made. The reason for this veto option was not the right to rule but the responsibility for protection of the woman assigned to her respective husband or father. Furthermore, if the vow were vetoed, the woman incurred neither punishment nor guilt, but the liability rested upon the one responsible for her protection.

 

Now, for a personal word from my own experience. Read the whole of Scripture and not just parts.

 Accept the fact that Scripture cannot contradict itself, and interpret what is difficult in light of what is crystal clear. God’s plan of redemption stretches from Genesis in which both the man and woman are created “in His image” (Gen 1:26-27), to Revelation where we share the glories of heaven (Rev 21:22-27). The story of God’s unconditional love and overwhelming sacrifice in our behalf underscores indeed “God so loved the world . . .” (John 3:16). Don’t be concerned about how something sounds; read what the words say! Since the Scripture is clear:

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, and your ways are not My ways.” This is the Lord’s declaration. “For as heaven is higher than earth, so My ways are higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts  (Is 55:8-9).

You and I must rest in the path of obedience.

Let us work hard to understand all we can through reading God’s Word and digging out its meaning. However, what is beyond our understanding, we accept through faith, knowing that our loving heavenly Father will make the journey with us through every challenge and difficulty. He has been faithful to me!

I remain yours in the journey,

Dottie

*For more in-depth study on Old Testament legal codes for women, Dottie recommends Women’s Evangelical Commentary: Old Testament,  Dorothy Kelley Patterson and Rhonda H. Kelley, eds. Nashville: Holman Reference, 2011.

Dorothy Kelley Patterson serves as the First Lady and Professor of Theology in Women’s Studies at Southwestern Seminary. She has authored numerous books and articles including, Where’s Mom: The High Calling of Wives and Mothers, and A Woman Seeking God: Discover God in the Places of Your Life.  One of Mrs. Patterson’s greatest joys is hospitality! She loves to cook and is known for her family’s famous “Kelley biscuits.”

*”Dear Dottie” is a featured, monthly column from Dorothy Kelley Patterson (aka – Dottie!). If you have a question for Dottie, please email us at biblicalwoman@swbts.edu!

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Dear Dottie, from a Frustrated Pastor’s Wife

Monday, February 6, 2012 by Dorothy Kelley Patterson

Dear Dottie*,

Since becoming a pastor’s wife, I’ve never felt so exasperated!  I have poured into and loved the women at my church through months of late-night phone calls and crisis counseling. Now I dread having to see them every week.  Long story short, my husband and I agreed that it would be best for our family if I leave work to homeschool our three children. So last fall we pulled our kids out of their public schools, where several families in our church have their children.  After a few weeks, I noticed that a few of the other moms at church were a little distant and by last November, discovered that I was the object of a lot of personal criticism and some very hurtful gossip. Our family’s decision is even affecting how some people in our church regard and follow my husband as their pastor.

We want to relate to our church members and live life alongside of them. But I truly believe that my children are spiritually and even academically better prepared for their teens and twenties if we have these formative years with them at home, especially since we can’t afford a private Christian school. What should we do? Do we put them back in public school? And if not, how do I work toward restoring a relationship to these women who apparently resent the way I’m rearing my children? How do I even go to church and worship with people that are criticizing me so viciously?

 Sincerely,

Frustrated

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