I May Not Be There…But Please Keep Honoring Moms

Friday, May 10, 2013 by Terri Stovall

In recent weeks, a blog entitled An open letter to pastors {A non-mom speaks about Mother’s Day} has been circulating around Facebook. I resonated with the post and especially liked “The Wide Spectrum of Mothering” included. In fact, I was already planning what Facebook status and Tweet I would write on Saturday, just to make a point. But then, I started seeing Pastors post that they would not be recognizing mothers in Sunday’s services because of the pain it would cause some women.

I have written about my journey with infertility and the pain of Mother’s Day. Over the past seven months, disease, multiple surgeries, and treatments, have brought that struggle even more to the forefront. And, I must admit, that of all the Mother’s Days I have gone through, this year’s is by far the hardest. Yet, even so, this “Non-Mom” encourages – implores, rather – pastors and churches to Keep honoring mothers.

It is true that there are some in your congregation who are hurting. There are some who long for children and, unlike those in Scripture, God has not chosen to fill their arms with a child. For others, like myself, there is the realization that biological children just will never be. And still others have lost children, and long earnestly to hold them, smell them, and hear them one last time.  All who struggle with Mother’s Day are dealing with some type of loss and grief.

Nevertheless, in the midst of the pain, Motherhood remains a high calling of God and one that should be honored, encouraged, and celebrated. We should not shirk away from celebrating and declaring other truths of Scripture simply because it makes someone uncomfortable. . .

Motherhood is no exception.

In a day where a biblical model of marriage is challenged, naturally leading to the debate of whether it is really better for a child to have a mom and a dad rather than two dads, or two moms, now, more than ever, the church must celebrate the unique and high calling of mom. Scripture is replete with “mom” analogies, affirmations, and instructions. (Ex 20:12, Lev 19:3; Deut 6:16; Is 49:15: 66:13; Ps 113:9; Prov 6:20; 20:20; 23:22-25; Eph 6:1-3) Even Paul likens the way he mentors to a nurturing mother (1Thess 2:7) and affirms the role that a mother and grandmother had in the life of Timothy (2 Tim 1:5).

Is there a portion of your congregation that will feel the pain of Mother’s Day? Yes! Some will be sitting in your pews this Sunday with silent tears on their cheeks. Others, like myself, will not be there, and you must be okay with that for today . . . we will be back next week.  In all cases, God will be with them.

Keep Honoring Motherhood

• Honor and encourage those who are biological, adoptive, or foster mothers recognizing the importance they have in rearing the next generation.

• Honor and encourage those who are spiritual mothers, grandmothers, aunts, or mother figures in the lives of younger women, for they are living out the Titus 2 mandate.

• Honor and encourage those who will soon become mothers for the first time, committing to walk with them through the tremendous responsibility that looms before them.

• Honor and encourage those who have lost a child, grieving with them and always remembering.

• Understand and encourage those who are hurting, longing to feel fully accepted as a woman, but resting in the assurance that God’s grace is most surely felt in the midst of grief.

But don’t let those of us who still grieve keep you from honoring the high calling of motherhood. Celebrate it!

This past weekend I was able to honor my own mother and this upcoming Sunday, I will honor my mother-in-love. I am blessed to be the aunt of five and love being a “mom” to so many sharp gals at Southwestern. In recent weeks I have had various students honor me as a spiritual mother. Just yesterday another student brought her two-year-old by the office who gave me a big hug and showed me the stickers she got for going in the “big girl potty.” This time of the semester, my office is abuzz with young women stopping by to commiserate or celebrate the outcome of final exams. My life is full of mothering opportunities. And yet, my heart still feels the loss. I still don’t go to church on Mother’s Day. I’m just not there yet, but God continues to do a work in me.

So, this “Non-Mom” is going a little against the current tide, standing tall, and encouraging pastors and churches to go ahead and celebrate mothers. You don’t have to downplay the importance of mothers for our sakes. It is a high calling, one that is ordained by God, and one that should always be honored.

 

Terri Stovall serves as the Dean of Women’s Programs at Southwestern Seminary. She co-authored the book Women Leading Women. Terri and her husband Jay enjoy riding motorcycles and roller coasters. Connect with Terri on Facebook or Follow her on Twitter!

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Lean In or Lean Out?

Thursday, March 28, 2013 by Amanda Walker

Not long ago, few people had heard of Sheryl Sandberg. In 2001, she took a job at a little known company, Google, which soon grew into one of the wealthiest companies in America. By the time she left, she was the vice president of global online sales and operations. In March 2008, she became the Chief Operating Officer (COO) of Facebook. In 2010, she gave what is now her infamous speech on TED Talk, which catapulted her into the limelight.[1]

And on March 11, 2013, Sandberg’s book Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead hit the shelves. In its first week of publication, the book sold 140,000 copies, and it had to go back for reprint eight different times.[2] Lean In has become a national bestseller in less than a month. Sandberg is fast in becoming a household name, and she desires to teach women how to “lean in” to their jobs in order to find success and ultimate fulfillment.

 

Lean In is based on three core values. The first value is to “sit at the table.” Sandberg encourages women to negotiate for themselves and not be afraid to interject ideas. She notes that women attribute success in their lives to hard work, luck, or the help of others; whereas men are more willing to say they are successful because of their own skills. She believes that women deserve and should be at the top in at least half of the companies in America, but that will not happen until women are willing to “sit at the table” with men and allow their voices to be heard. The second value is to “make your partner a real partner.” In families where both the husband and wife work, she says that women still do twice as much housework and spend three times more energy and time taking care of the children. What is her solution? She encourages young women to select a husband or a partner that is willing to sit at the kitchen table, stay at home, and change as many diapers as his wife/partner. She envisions a world where men are encouraged and not belittled for being stay-at-home fathers. The last value is for women “not to leave before you leave.” In her book, Sandberg notes when women decide they want to have children, they often turn down promotions and stop being aggressive in their professional lives. She encourages women to stay engaged and not lean back. She also encourages women to keep pushing up in their careers until they have children, and then they can decide what they want to do with their life.[3]

 

There has also been some backlash to Sandberg’s book in the midst of its success. Sandberg is accused of being an elitist billionaire, who can hire a nanny, a housekeeper, a chef, and a personal assistant to help her run her life. For the average woman whose husband makes a middle class income, nannies and personal chefs are not a reality. With the rising costs of childcare, some women are choosing to “lean out” and return back to the home. I found it fascinating that one career-oriented woman made the statement in a CBS interview that the feminist movement provided women with a choice, the choice to stay home.[4] Lisa Miller, author for the New York Magazine, has a new article out entitled “The Retro Wife.” In this article she follows a family where the wife is a self-proclaimed feminist but has chosen to turn in her stilettos for an apron in order raise their two young children. What is her reasoning? She believes that women are better suited for the task of mothering, and she did not want nor could they afford to put their children in an upscale daycare facility.[5] Fifty years removed from Betty Friedan’s Feminine Mystique, women can have a full-time job, a husband, and a family, yet some are realizing they are still not happy trying to have it all.

So with all this talk about “leaning in” and “leaning out,” what is the Christian woman to think?

Every woman struggles with finding and maintaining a balanced life. I have a wonderful husband, two little girls (23 months and 9 months), and I am in the final stages of my doctorate work. I understand the struggle of wanting to complete a task, whether it is a dissertation or a career, and raise a family. But, in all my reading and research of this new “feminist manifesto,” I was struck with one reality. When a woman is blessed with a child, someone must care for, feed, nurture, and raise the child to become a responsible person in society.  As followers of Christ, we are given the responsibility to raise our children to know and serve the Lord (Deut 6:4-9).  In a word, someone must still fill the role of mother. Who is better equipped to serve, nurture, and train our children than us?

Titus 2:3-5 commands older women to “train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.” We live in a society where feminism is no longer a movement but a norm. Women still feel the pressure to work outside the home for a more fulfilling life, yet women are increasingly stressed, pulled in different directions, and live under a mountain of guilt.

Could it be that, as a society, we have removed ourselves from God’s perfect plan? God knows how difficult it is to raise a family and have a successful career. His desire is to protect us and our children from the stress that life brings. He is the One who fashioned us in His perfect image, and His desire is that we, as women, would trust Him to care for our needs and for our family’s needs. I realize that there are unusual circumstances that cause some women to work either part-time or full-time, and I empathize with those women. But, there are increasingly more women who choose to forgo the needs of their children in order to live in a nicer home, drive a nicer vehicle, or go on nicer vacations. To that woman, may I lovingly ask you, is it worth it? Is “leaning in” to your career more important than nurturing that precious child God has given you? Is “leaning in” to your career going to help you give your child an understanding of God’s word and His plan for her life? More importantly, is “leaning in” going to cause God’s word to be reviled (literal meaning is blasphemed) in your life?  Every child needs a mother, and God has designed you to be the mother in your child’s life.

I am often asked what I plan to do after I graduate. Many wait for me say that I will finally do some incredible thing that only a doctorate degree will allow. But, to be honest with you, I plan to continue doing what I have the privilege of doing every day, serving alongside my husband and being “mommy” to my beautiful little girls. For me, “leaning in” is not a chance to gain more freedom and success, and “leaning out” is not a choice I get to make. My desire is to lean in to Christ and live for His glory.

 

Amanda Walker is in the Doctorate of Educational Ministries program at Southwestern. Her greatest joy is serving alongside her husband who is the University Minister at Cook Baptist Church in Ruston, Louisiana, and being the mother of two beautiful daughters. In her “free” time she enjoys a good chat over a cup of coffee. Connect with Amanda on Facebook!

 

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Being A Mom When She’s All Grown Up

Thursday, January 31, 2013 by Terri Stovall

Mother-Daughter relationships can be complicated.  At each stage of life it seems like there is this constant tension. For mothers, it is trying to strike the balance of wanting to continue teaching and nurturing on the one hand, while allowing her daughter to be strong, confident, and independent on the other. For daughters, the tension is almost the opposite. They seek to be strong, confident, and independent but, almost secretly, long for that long-term nurturing and teaching that only a mom can give.

This tension seems to be even more complicated when trying to figure out how to mother an adult daughter. Many mothers have done well in launching their daughters into life and are proud of the women they have become. They sit back and admire their daughters as wonderful wives and mothers. Some mothers have especially raised their daughters to be strong, independent, self-assured women who can hold their own in a world that is hard and dangerous.

But this leaves many a mom wondering whether she can still be a mother to her adult daughter… “Do I be her friend or do I be her mother?” “How much advice does she really want?”  “Am I intruding?” Let’s add one more level of muddiness! When an adult daughter goes through a particularly challenging time of life – and we have all been there – how much mothering does she really need…or want?

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“I Want to Save My Daughter”

Tuesday, November 13, 2012 by Katie Fruge

What would you do if you had to choose between your life and your baby’s life?

I never really thought I would have to choose. Since college it was always just a hypothetical question to me. Up to that point in my life, I had even heard most pro-life supporters affirm that abortion is always wrong – with the exception of the mother’s life being in jeopardy. That exception had always troubled me. In college I decided that if I ever had to choose, I’d go with the baby and trust God. I never thought I’d actually have to make that choice.

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When God Says, “No Ma’am!”

Thursday, April 26, 2012 by Amanda Walker

My daughter, Makaylan, is days away from turning a year old. As a result, my husband and I have entered a new phase of parenting – the discipline stage. Right now her biggest temptation is the electrical sockets. Though we have them covered, we still do not want her to play with them. We know that one day we will go visit friends who do not child-proof their homes, and we do not want her getting into the habit of playing with something that is potentially dangerous to her. But, every time she passes an electrical socket, she cannot resist the urge to touch it.

The first day she discovered her new “favored” toy, I spent most of my day bent over her, removing her hand from the socket, and repeating, “No ma’am.” During one instance, my husband counted how many times I gave her this instruction, and I repeated it 15 times before she finally became frustrated and moved on. Over the last few weeks, God has used these experiences to convict me of my own sin and temptations in life.

So what can a one year old teach you about discipline and discipleship? More than you can imagine.

The first thing I have learned is that God’s discipline is always for my good and for His glory. The writer of Hebrews gives a great description of God’s discipline when He says, “For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” (Heb. 12:6) He goes on to say, “For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” (Heb. 12:11) In the original language, the word “trained” is the Greek word gymnazo, which means “to exercise vigorously, in any way, either the body or the mind.”[1] Gymnazo is where we get our English word “gymnasium.” A gymnasium is a place of training. I played sports throughout high school and nearly two years of college; therefore, I am accustomed to the regimented and strenuous training that must occur in order to perform well. No athlete would dare go into a competition without first disciplining his or her body.

In the same way, God uses His discipline to train our hearts and our bodies to be submissive to His perfect will in order that His righteousness might be displayed in our lives.

I want my daughter to grow up to be a woman who loves and serves God with a submissive heart, but this submission does not come naturally. We are all tempted by certain lusts of the flesh, and sometimes it is difficult to pass up those opportunities to sin. God continues to remind me that in order for me to teach her how to submit to Christ, I must first submit myself under His Lordship. It is amazing how children can pick up on their parents’ lack of obedience. We cannot expect our children to be obedient to our instruction if we are not being obedient and submissive to God’s instruction. It first begins with us.

The second lesson I have learned is that discipline takes time. Too often I have seen parents “discipline” their children from the couch with a remote control in hand. In all honesty, that is the easiest thing to do. But, God commands us to train our children and not just to shout orders at them. I am so thankful that God does not discipline me haphazardly. Hebrews 5:8 says that Jesus “learned obedience through what He suffered.” Jesus, while in the flesh, had to learn to be obedient to the Father’s instruction. God allows temptations and difficult seasons into our lives in order to train us to trust in Him and obey Him. Scripture shows that no difficulty or temptation comes into our lives without first passing through the Father’s approval (Job 1:6-12). Learning obedience and submission takes a lifetime; therefore, careful instruction must be given in order to ensure growth in maturity.

For example, right now Makaylan is fighting the battle against the electric socket, but when she grows up she will have other temptations that will be more dangerous. If we are not diligent to train her in the small things, through discipline, then she will never learn self-control and submission for when the bigger temptations arise. She needs “hands on discipline,” meaning we must show her exactly what we expect and not just verbally rebuke her actions. God continues to show me that I need the same thing. I need for Him to show me, through His Word and through my situations, exactly what He expects of me.

The goal is to grow in Christlikeness.

As my husband and I enter this stage of discipline, I will admit that it is not a fun stage…and we are only at the beginning. I would much rather wrap Makaylan in my arms and snuggle with her than be firm about what she can and cannot do. But God has given us this precious child in order for us to train her according to His Word and His commands. As we train and discipline our daughter, it has been a blessing to get a glimpse into the heart of our Heavenly Father. Though His discipline is not always pleasant, it is exactly what I need. I want to encourage you (and me) not to run from the Father’s discipline, for by it, He is producing within us the fruit of righteousness. (Heb. 12:11)

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Body Image and The Baby Bump

Thursday, March 22, 2012 by Amanda Walker

Body Image. What woman does not struggle with these two words!? Over the past two years, I have found myself struggling with this issue in a way that I have not struggled since I was a teenager. My twenties was a period of intense spiritual growth, and, by God’s grace, I began to find contentment in the way God fashioned me. Not that I didn’t have moments where I wished I looked a certain way, but I found myself relaxing in my own skin and accepting who God had made me to be. When I got married two years ago, I had long put the battle of body image to rest, and I was moving on with life. Then it happened…motherhood.

I have been married for 26 months, and for 15 of those months, I have been pregnant. Seven months into our marriage, my husband and I were ecstatic to discover that we were pregnant with our first daughter. Four months after Makaylan was born God decided to bless us again with another pregnancy. Right now I am in the middle of my second pregnancy and with a body that never “recovered” from the first pregnancy. In the midst of feeling tired, bloated, stretched out, and overwhelmed, the enemy began to attack my self worth through attacking my body image. At times, I even found myself frustrated at my children for their effects on my body.

In the midst of this battle, God began to speak, and He used a familiar passage to teach me a new truth.

 In 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, Paul says, “Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.” This statement comes at the end of Paul speaking on the importance of sexual purity, but I also see other spiritual implications for these verses. Too many times we use our body for unholy things, and we dishonor God’s temple. When we eat unhealthy foods, fail to exercise, consistently deny our bodies the rest we need, and over-caffeinate our bodies to keep them working, we do not glorify God with our bodies. Instead, we treat our bodies as if we were the owners rather than regard God as the Ultimate Designer. In my twenties, God used these verses to convict me about my lifestyle, which caused me to make the needed changes to bring my life back to healthy living. But, over the last 15 months, God has shown me a new meaning for these verses as my body has continued to change.

Through this passage, God gives us two choices in how we use our bodies: for holy or unholy living.

Pregnancy, which is God forming another life in a woman, is one way He uses our bodies for His glory. The problem that many women face is that, often times, we get so caught up in the world’s view of us that we do not see the glorious thing He is doing in us as He forms this new life within. Instead, all we see is our expanding bodies and our desire to look a certain way. As I am learning, the process of carrying a child for nine months changes your body to such a degree that your body may never look the same again…There is a reason that mothers often refer to their figure as “before I had children” and “after I had children.”  

In her book Loving the Little Years: Motherhood in the Trenches, Rachel Jankovic brings great insight into the reality of how God uses a woman’s body for His glory. She says, “Our bodies are tools, not treasures… Motherhood uses your body in the way that God designed it to be used. Those are the right kind of damages…We are not to treat our bodies like museum pieces. They were not given to us to preserve, they were given to us to use. So use it cheerfully, and maintain it cheerfully. You want to fix your body up in order to be able to use it some more,” (emphasis added). 

When women allow God to use their bodies to produce life, they use their bodies as God intended.

Yes, pregnancy and motherhood changes your body to such a degree that you often do not recognize it, but we must remember that God is the one who made our bodies. We are to allow Him to use them as He pleases. I have often heard women exclaim that they do not want children because they do not want their body to change. Though that is a very popular thought, it is also selfish. Remember God’s word: “You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.” (1 Cor 6:20)

God gave me my body in order to be a good steward of it. But there is a huge difference between being a good steward of my body and refusing to allow God to use it as He deems appropriate. Will my body ever be the same? Probably not. But, as a result of giving my body to God for His use, I have had the joy of giving birth to one incredible daughter and anxiously awaiting the arrival of our second daughter. I want to encourage you mothers to see your bodies as instruments for God’s use and not a museum to be preserved. 

Rachel Jankovic.  Loving the Little Years: Motherhood in the Trenches. (Moscow: Cannon Press, 2010).  

Amanda Walker is in the Doctorate of Educational Ministries program at Southwestern. Her greatest joy is serving alongside her husband who is the University Minister at Cook Baptist Church in Ruston, Louisiana, and being the mother of an incredible daughter. In her “free” time she enjoys a good chat over a cup of coffee. Connect with Amanda on Facebook!

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Battling for Significance

Thursday, February 23, 2012 by Amanda Walker

Imagine the scene: You have been home with your children all day when your husband comes home to tell you about his exciting day. He’s been involved in life-changing meetings, made a huge business deal, or had the opportunity to meet and disciple a young couple who plan on getting married. You listen with pride but deep down your heart is hurting. After he finishes, he then asks: “How was your day?” You hear your mouth declare: “Well…I changed three poopy diapers; Anna threw up all over me; and I tried to get dinner fixed, but Anna had a meltdown.”

The battle for significance is a very real struggle to many mothers who have the amazing privilege to work inside the home. Many times young mothers bring their newborns home, and they are filled with excitement at the adventure and prospect of motherhood. This is what they dreamed about…having the opportunity to raise children to become godly men and women.

Yet, at some point, normally within the first year of her child’s life, Satan begins to attack her significance. He begins to whisper lies into her heart and causes her to question her worth and the job God has called her to do. Satan’s goal is to convince these mothers that their husbands or their friends who work outside the home are accomplishing something greater than they. After all, the “only” thing a mother does all day is change diapers and seek to prevent her two year old from tearing up the house. But, in the midst of the lies, you suddenly begin to hear God speak.

So, what does He say about the significance of motherhood?

First, God says that He has created mothers to be the nurturers and caretakers of their children in order to instill within their children the commands of God. Deuteronomy 6:4-9, in the Jewish tradition, is known as the Shema. In this passage, God tells parents to teach their children to “love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.” (vs 5) God also tells parents to model His commands, talk about His commands, and teach His commands to their children throughout the day. Why are we to do this? So when our children ask one day: “What is the meaning of the testimonies and the statutes and the rules that the LORD our God has commanded you? Then you shall say to your son…the LORD showed signs and wonders, great and grievous…”(Deut 6:20-22)

Mothers, who stay home with their children get to spend all day with them and, throughout the day, share with them the wonders of God’s creation and glory. Children need to hear about the amazing works of God, and mothers have the opportunity to show them with their children. They also get to train their children in the commands of God through teaching them how to handle feuds with their siblings or teaching them how to share and demonstrate kindness.

Though motherhood sometimes looks like chaos (especially when a mom has young children), God affirms and encourages mothers to continue in the intentional training of their children. Training young ones in the commands of God is a full-time job and ministry that is vital to growing children to become men and women who have a heart to serve God.

Secondly, motherhood is an opportunity to fulfill the Great Commission. Matthew 28:19 says, “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations…” When Christians hear this verse, they often attribute it to missions, and rightly so. Yet, this verse goes far beyond just a mission’s command. God has given mothers “live in” disciples. When children are first born, they are a clean slate in which to instill God’s commands and principles. Many researchers show that a child’s personality and temperament is established in the womb, but parents can help nurture and develop their child’s personality during the child’s formative years. God has given parents the amazing ministry of discipling their children, and a stay-at-home mother has the opportunity to pour into her children throughout the day.

In her book, The Ministry of Motherhood, Sally Clarkson encourages mothers to develop a parenting plan on how to intentionally disciple their children throughout the day. In her work, she uses the acronym GIFTS as a guide. She says that God wanted her to instill within her children the “gift of Grace, the gift of Inspiration, the gift of Faith, the gift of Training, and the gift of Service.”

Making disciples is not just about going to another country and sharing the Good News of God’s salvation, but it is also being willing to disciple your children in the truths of God’s word. This ministry of discipleship is one of the greatest ministries of motherhood. 

The battle for significance is a battle that I have fought and will probably continue to fight as I grow in motherhood. Satan knows that one of the most powerful tools is a mother who is dedicated to discipling and growing her children to become godly men and women, and he will do and give her whatever lie she will believe to cause her to give up on this incredible task.

 But, we serve a God who is for us and wants to help us be the mothers who He has called us to be. So when the enemy begins to tempt you to question your significance, I encourage you to allow God to speak these tender words over you: “Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.” (Matt. 25:21)

 What great joy and significance is found in motherhood!

Amanda Walker is in the Doctorate of Educational Ministries program at Southwestern. Her greatest joy is serving alongside her husband who is the University Minister at Cook Baptist Church in Ruston, Louisiana, and being the mother of an incredible daughter. In her “free” time she enjoys a good chat over a cup of coffee. Connect with Amanda on Facebook!

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