So We’re Living Together…What’s the Big Deal?

Tuesday, April 16, 2013 by Bethany Hartsfield

What a precious baby girl! …Wait. She belongs to my old college roommate? No way! …Wait. Did I miss her wedding? As I curiously stalk my old roommate on Facebook I realize I hadn’t missed anything. Not even an engagement. Just the reality of another friend cohabiting with her boyfriend. Once I asked a woman close to her due date how many children she would have. She said this one was number 3, that she and her boyfriend were overjoyed, and only blessing could follow. I congratulated her, smiled, and was saddened all at the same time. Other than the obvious reason that these ladies are not married, why is this so disheartening and what does God have to say about it?

According to USLegal.com, cohabitation, or as we more frequently refer to it, living together, can be
defined as two people living as if they were a married couple (paying bills, sleeping together, chores, parenting, etc). We live in a society where by age 25 about 55% of women have cohabited.[1] Not to mention that one in five of those women becomes pregnant within their first year of cohabitation.[2] How do we as women of the Lord address this issue with non-believers and even those that do follow Christ?

Jesus commands us to love God and love others (Matt. 26:36-40). When we encounter those that are not walking with the Lord we must remember not to judge her or write her off. We cannot hold those that do not follow Christ to the same standards by which we live – it is foolishness to them (1 Cor. 1:18)! As one young woman puts it: “I have a beautiful baby girl now, so it is hard to say I regret my choice”[3] For her, this decision only brought joy and blessing to her life. Our society teaches that the pursuit of happiness is a life-long calling, and it is the god worthy of worship. Our first response to ladies choosing to cohabitate before marriage ought not to be a wince of the face, or a gasp of disapproval, but one of compassion. That means when I encounter a woman cohabiting, my goal is to win her to the Lord, not
push her away! Speak in love, pray for her in love, live your life in front of her, share the Gospel, and then let the Holy Spirit move in her life.

Remember God is the life-giver, and children are a blessing. To disapprove of a woman bringing a child into this world contradicts God’s perspective on children (Psalm 127). So, first and foremost, love this woman because Christ loved you first in your own brokenness (Rm 5:8; 1 Jn 4:19). Pray for her and ask God for the opportunity to build a relationship with her so that she might be won over to the Lord.

But, what about those that are believers and living together before marriage?

Why is it so bad when they know they will get married at some point? Have you ever wondered that?…me too. But what I’ve found is that questioning why cohabiting is wrong ultimately reveals that we’re asking the wrong question and likely coming from a self-centered perspective. Let me ask this: what is your purpose in life? If you are a believer, your purpose it is to do just what was mentioned above in Matthew 26:36-40: to love God and to love others. When you love God with everything that you are, you pursue His ways, and you pursue others to show them His love so that they will come to know Him. You are living for His glory. If I truly love the Lord, I will honor His ways in all that I do, and cohabitation is not in line with His ways.

Jesus spoke in Matthew 19:4-6: “Haven’t you read,” He replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore, what God has joined together let man not separate.” From Jesus’ mouth come the directions of when a man and woman are to be completely joined together emotionally, sexually, and spiritually. Living together distorts this original design the Creator set in place! If Jesus’ ways are your ways, then following His design for marriage will bring Him glory!

Some would point out that living together doesn’t always mean a sexual relationship.

But even if I am not sleeping with the man that I am cohabiting with, the danger is riding the line of sin, and a greater danger of bringing dishonor to the Name of the Lord. Dying to ourselves daily is the call on our lives, and that means walking away from temptations that may become so strong that we give in to them.

Bethany, I still don’t see your point, you might be saying. Let me ask another question: What is the ultimate purpose of marriage? Is it first and foremost about your benefit? …Picking up on a theme, yet? There is pleasure and happiness, yes, but God uses the marriage union as a picture of the gospel. Ephesians 5:22-33 might be a familiar passage to you (for many of you it may be exasperatingly familiar!), but Paul discusses the great mystery of the relationship between Christ and the Church and how He chose to paint a beautiful picture of that relationship in the marriage union. Do we dare mess
with this picture all because it will make us happy? Or that we can work on our “issues” before tying the knot? Marriage is a selfless act of a lifelong commitment. If marriage ultimately teaches me to live a selfless life modeling Christ on this earth, then I have no desire to twist God’s intention for marriage simply to satisfy my own wants.

Jesus simply says to His followers in John 14:15, “If you love me, you will keep my commandments.” Does He ever lay out: “Thou shalt not cohabitate”? No. But, if we are to honor His design of marriage as a tangible picture to the world of who Christ is, then we must do whatever we can to preserve that picture! Again, addressing this issue must be done out of love – especially, to our sisters in Christ. It is not an overnight change, but a meaningful process of coming alongside another woman in the love
of Christ to draw her into a right relationship with Him so that she will reflect her Creator as He designed her to.

Bethany has a passion for teaching God’s Word to women and helping them find their
identity, worth and value in Christ above everything else. She is studying Women’s Ministry in the Master of Divinity program at Southwestern Seminary. Bethany loves sports, chocolate, and old movies! Connect with her on Facebook and visit her blog http://rescued663.wordpress.com /

 

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My Downton Disposition: How TV is Teaching Us

Tuesday, March 19, 2013 by Bethany Hartsfield

If you are like me and thousands of women across the nation (and Europe too!), the hit drama Downton Abbey consumed your Sunday nights for the first few months of this year.  After getting my Downton fix, I often found myself talking to myself in a British accent, longing for someone to join in the sophisticated conversation (preferably Matthew Crawley).  When Downton drama occurred it was as if it had affected my own life!  I found myself completely depressed the day after one particular episode as if it really had a direct impact on my world. Funny how my mood is affected by what I watch.

Maybe you love another TV show like The Big Bang Theory, and struggle with letting crude jokes creep into your conversation with friends.  Maybe you love Parenthood and start talking with your spouse about how you should work while he stays home with the kids.  Or you watch Everybody Loves Raymond and think your husband or boyfriend is flat-out lazy…What about all that you do?  Or you watch Glee and think, maybe this  whole homosexual debate is a myth, that homosexuality isn’t sin and people are just born that way. Notice a pattern?

What we watch has a major impact on our attitudes whether we like to admit it or not.

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Weighing In on Your Weight-Loss Battle

Tuesday, January 15, 2013 by Bethany Hartsfield

Jill lost 17 pounds and went down to a size 4. Barbara lost 50 pounds and finally is able to fit into her size 12 pants.  But, hey, that’s nothing compared to Stephanie who lost 75 pounds and not only fits into her size 6 pants, size 8 dress, but also feels like her life has begun afresh, with a brand new perspective!

 

Get me away from the numbers, please!  It’s hard enough knowing that I am not the “right” size! Just tell me I will finally feel better and will not struggle any more with my self-worth, esteem, and identity issues!

 

Let’s face it: the real issue with any weight loss commercial that we see as women goes much deeper than just the need to get healthy.

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PMS with Self-Control…Yes, It’s Possible

Thursday, November 29, 2012 by Bethany Hartsfield

I hope you find yourself in this comic strip.  If you don’t, forget reading the rest of this post.  How many days have I walked through this exact scenario?  How many months of my life do I have this exact experience and more? …Too many to count!

It wasn’t until my later high school years that I started questioning my attitude and response to my wonderful female “visitor” each month.  A typical day during this time would mean extreme irritability, anger-fused conversations with my friends and family, self-pity, low self-esteem, uncontrollable cravings, and just plain meanness.

This pretty much sums it up: living in the flesh with zero self-control.

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Discontent with Discontentment

Thursday, October 18, 2012 by Bethany Hartsfield

There I was in my closet – crying.  The all too familiar pitiful scene of a mascara-stained face looking heavenward, crying out to God, not understanding why His timing hadn’t caught up with mine. What was I even crying about?  My current marital status.  Yup, currently single.  It is not the end of the world to be single.  In fact, I could recount the numerous days I had offered thanks to the Lord that I was not married at that time.  Regardless, there I was on my closet floor desperate for God’s Presence to help me in this time of discontentment. Can I get an “amen” from you single ladies?

If you’re like me, you’re not just saying “Amen”, but crying out “Lord, When?”

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Date Like a Princess

Friday, September 21, 2012 by Bethany Hartsfield

In the realm of Christian dating, what exactly is the best model?  We have so many choices!  We can always wait for a man to court us. We can go the route of the “normal” dating scene. We can go online. We can do a mixture of courting and dating. Or we could simply just not date at all. If you are anything like me, you may have finally gotten to a place where you just told God, “I give up! I don’t know who on earth would be right for me!” As He always does, the Lord gently opened my eyes to see that He has much more to say on this topic of dating than we think. But it’s not what we expect, nor is it popular opinion.

I will be the first one to tell you that my motives in wanting to get married are primarily selfish.  Who doesn’t want a man to think you’re out of this world, that you’re gorgeous, and that you mean everything in the world to him?  As I have prayed about my desire for marriage, the Lord has taught me that my desires and motives are good and natural, but that He wants and has the right to be in control of them.

And if the Lord has the right to reign over this desire and my motives, then He obviously has much to say about my dating life.

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